The Little Squirter

So, my first day as an Amazon and my chest was twice its original size, including more of me under my arm than ever before. Thanks to the wafer, my nausea had settled but I felt like a pinned butterfly. BSS breezed in about 7.30am, suave and dressed for a summer day in pastels with a definite pink stripe. I was beginning to be impressed by his commitment to eradicating breast cancer both actively and symbolically. He unbuttoned my stripey gown and had a good look. "I think we have a little squirter there.... nothing to worry about, it happens sometimes. Just means we have to go back in and sort it out. I'll organize theatre and an anesthetist" and off he went to do so.

The nurses had been starving me in anticipation of this revisit to theatre, but at 8 am in breezed the breakfast lady who said I could have toast and marmalade and a drink... and that's how I found out I was going back into surgery at 4pm. At 9, a zippy nurse whipped my plate and cup away and said "no more for you!"

The rest of the day passed in a blur of discomfort, and ministrations from the nurses. DH visited and we cancelled the night visit - I would be too groggy and this might upset the PS's. The anesthetist visited, a small stooped bald man, who amazingly had read my file and felt he didn't need to ask me any questions as it was all very clear to him, and off he went.

The burly bed man whistled in at 3.30. By now we were mates, and he felt inspired to tell me how much he loved his work, and how he had followed the words of his Dad, who he only learned to respect late in life, to find a job he loved. "It's not about money" . I think I was still under yesterday's morphine/last night's endone, but in an increasingly wavery voice, I told him my granny had taught me this: "life is mostly froth and bubble, two things stand like stone, kindness in another's trouble, courage in your own." He gave me a funny look, and later someone different wheeled me back to my room.

We burst through the plastic doors. "You're back" said a smiley nurse. Voices greeted me like I was an old friend. Who were these people, and what had I said in recovery yesterday? "I don't remember you" I wailed, as we burst through another set of plastic doors to be greeted with: "this isn't (patient x)!" "Oh, don't you want me?" I said hopefully. The nurse shook her head as if to clear it, then said "no, you'll do". Checked my name tag against her list and I was back in the messy theatre.

There was the BSS in pink and chatting companionably with someone. The anesthetist and nurse moved me onto the narrow bed and positioned me as before. The dark haired nurse took my glasses and held my hand. "you'll be allright" she said kindly.Oops!, kindness sends Lady Serenity into hiding! I started to weep and couldn't stop."Oh no" groaned the anesthetist desperately ( I could hear 'Women!' in his tone), and put an end to this misery very effectively!

So there I was suspended at the top of loop two of the rollercoaster, but with a tug of something from my throat I returned to level track. A nurse was holding my hand, and asking how I felt. "I'm in God's hand" I said, but sometimes he gives us a human hand to show He cares" and I thanked her for holding mine. She looked at me as if struck by something. After a long moment she smiled and said " I believe it."

Next thing I knew I was back in my room. The BSS swept in and sat down for a chat. "We got that little squirter" he said proudly. "You were lucky! we don't often find them, but there yours was, clear as anything and we tied him up and cleaned you out" I silently thanked God for my clear insides. He chattered on about my two drains and said I would be in for a few more days. He would see me again on Thursday.