Anxiety whimpers, and faith comes in like a strong mother in the night, ready to reassure,and comfort; get you ready for the next day.
Were you afraid during this time? The minister asked me that. No, not of dying, or being ill, or in pain. But for my children, my family. But not overwhelmingly. Reasonably.
Some of the ladies at the breast cancer support group told of being fearful every time they visit the doctor; of every check up. I determined not to be fearful, knowing that I could cast my cares on Him, and that I did not need to be troubled or afraid, and despite a certain hypervigilence to symptoms, I have not been fearful. Then in October I had another MRI,and I was fine, until they slid me in, headphones and mirrored helmet on. It took half a minute for me to press the panic button and cry Please take me out!
So what do you fear?
"yea though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for Thou art with me Thy rod and Thy staff they comfort me, and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever"
I got down to praying and kept my eyes shut and my body still so they could get on with the MRI. After praying about as many matters and people as I could think of, prayers gave way to planning how I would get out of there if the building fell on top of me and the machine closed me in. So God kept me safe while I whimpered quietly to myself, and wow, pretty soon they were hauling me out. Sorry for being a ninny back there I said. No worries: actually if you just look back through the machine where you were lying, you can see he windows to the street outside. Right, well if I'd known I could have done a quick wriggle backwards and smashed the windows out to escape, I wouldn't have had a moment of fear!
But, what's wrong with a bit of healthy fear? It makes you alert, rouses your senses, gets you thinking; opens the door to a conversation with your best Friend, and then you find out that the light you didn't see was there all the time. But then, when the true Light came into the world he created, the world didn't see him either. Fear makes you Pay Attention!
I haven't heard the results of the MRI, but I'm not worried, and the BN asssures me I'm correct in thinking that if anything was amiss I would have heard by now. So I've been getting on with still being me, although I look different, hobble instead of walk, actually use stair banisters, put up with my PS teasing me about my 'hormone bones', and laugh at my DH who, with his injured "mallet finger" told me to lean on the table and stand while he moved the chair back, because he couldn't pull me up. Needless to say this left me sort of dangling over the table.
I now have high spots in the day when I'm less cognitively muzzy, and I don't fall asleep in the chair after dinner every night. If I do chance to fall asleep, it's not long before my irritable stomach adds it's complaints to my 763 joints trying to push out of my skin, turning me into a COW (crabby old woman). The house is much cleaner, and the usual chores are done in good time. Best of all, my visual field test showed a left quadrantanopia, and a fuzzy spot in the upper right quadrant, but I have enough vision to drive again. That is, once I get an appointment or letter of clearance from the Doobster (neurosurgeon). hopefully my KD can get some thing from him before the New Year.... yay! the neuro clinic nurse and I suspect a letter from the KD, got me an early appointment with a rehab specialist, who cleared me medically to drive! Now I just need to be passed by the occupational therapist as competent to drive! Once I've seen her, I may get my independence back, although I surely have enjoyed car trips with my DH.
As Christmas approaches I am aware that we are edging closer to being a year hence from my cancer diagnosis. I haven't forgotten about the MCGrath Foundation breast cancer nurses fundraiser. My BN has been a huge help to me, and I know that all the other women also appreciate their BNs. A worthy cause.
I'm so glad I've learned over the years to trust in God, He really has been with me in this every step of the way.
