Landslide

...Can the child within my heart rise above?
Can I sail though the changing ocean tides?
Can I handle the seasons of my life?
...time makes you bolder
Children get older
I'm getting older too" 
Landslide Fleetwood Mac

I have started writing this a number of times, only to put it aside, but a conversation with my youngest PS last night has spurred me to carry on. He has been having some spontaneous tearful episodes and anger outbursts - meltdowns - some may call them. One of his worries it turns out is that he misses my long hair, and with my grey  curly hair I don't look like Mom anymore. "Who are you?" he joked "and what have you done with my mother?"  He goes further: "you're not as nice as you used to be."

Back track a few weeks, post my mammogram: I decide to contact the Breast Nurse." Is it flotsam or jetsam?"  I asked in reference to the new cyst and the debris found within it. "should I have it drained, or will it drift off on it's own?" It will probably drift off on it's own, but you sound very flat - is everything OK? " Well I've been very tearful, and having wild mood swings.... I read that depression is a side effect of Arimidex... "I think you should see someone and soon, it has been a year and this is quite common after what you've been through."

So I make an appointment with the Kind Doctor who says that yes I seem to be depressed, which is not surprising really with the insult to my brain. Aside from the Arimidex, the brain surgery probably shocked my brain out of whack with regards to serotonin production. I am put on a low dose of a common antidepressant, and it's now 2 weeks hence.

On the good side I am no longer tearful or swinging moodily. DH says I am more ":with it" and I've noticed that my hot flushes have decreased in number and intensity and I have more stamina. Also I seem to be catching up on 21 years of sleep deprivation, and very unlike me, I find it hard to wake up in the morning! Typical of me though, I have a rare side effect of teeth clenching, which I only notice as my jaw starts to ache.... The KD instructs me to continue with the medication for 2 more weeks, and experiment with the time I take it. If things worsen or don't improve, he will consider another form of treatment.

My youngest PS is also upset because he has noticed that other people have "better lives" than we do -better holidays, better houses, better toys and more fun. We 'never do anything' and we 'have no money'. I realise that sometimes we are too careful., and I wonder why our celebration some weeks ago where we went out for pizza together and celebrated that DH was asked to stay on at work another month has been forgotten.  We had a great time that evening, laughing and sharing together! Some effort and counselling will need to be done with my little boy who is usually so sparky and lively!

I am reminded of Psalm 73
....But as for me, my feet were almost gone; my steps had well nigh slipped.
.....Thus my heart was grieved, and I was pricked in my reins. So foolish was I, and ignorant: I was as a beast before thee. Nevertheless I am continually with thee: thou hast holden me by my right hand.
....But it is good for me to draw near to God: I have put my trust in the Lord GOD, that I may declare all thy works.

and once again, hand in hand with God, I must go forward on a rocky path, but I know the landslide won't take us down, because:

Romans :5 3-4

³And not only so, but we glory in tribulations also: knowing that tribulation worketh patience;

 ⁴And patience, experience; and experience, hope: